My New Soul Stays
by xxDustNight88
Summary: Tormented by regrets and immeasurable pain after his battle with Rey on StarKiller Base, Kylo struggles with reality as he comes to terms with what the future may hold.


**Author's Note:** This is my very first Star Wars fic and I am sort of kind of really super nervous. Please Star Wars fans, be gentle on me. Kylo is one of my favorite characters and I hope I do him justice in this. Fun fact, I am fairly new to the Star Wars fandom, having only watched them this past June. I dove in head first and now am trying my hand at a one-shot for the 31 Days of Fanfiction Challenge. Today's theme was to write something for a fandom you love but have never written before. I hope you all like it…t's definitely turned into something I wasn't expecting. Shout out to my beta, starrnobella because she's not a Star Wars fan and still did a fab job! Much love, xxDustNight

 **Disclaimer:** All non-original characters, plot points, quotes, and information belongs to George Lucas and Disney, and anyone else that may own any part of it. The story plot and dialogue belongs to me. I do not write for profit. The title is based off the song lyrics from AWOLNATIONS "Windows".

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 _My New Soul Stays_  
Rated: M  
Pairing: Kylo Ren/Rey  
Summary: Tormented by regrets and immeasurable pain after his battle with Rey on StarKiller Base, Kylo struggles with reality as he comes to terms with what the future may hold.  
Prompt: _31 Days of Fanfiction: Day #6 The fandom you love but have never written for  
_ Song Recommendation: Windows by AWOLNATION

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 _My New Soul Stays_

After having to flee StarKiller Base, Kylo Ren was given time to heal from the injuries inflicted upon him by that _girl_. He was put into an infirmary and left alone. For days afterward he floated between consciousness and deep bouts of nightmare riddled sleep. He desperately wished to pull himself out of this endless cycle but his wrecked body demanded the rest. He was forced to give into what he needed and so he allowed himself to heal, despite wanting nothing more than to find the girl who nearly killed him…

It wasn't the endless ebb and flow of sleep that tortured him so, it was more the unrelenting lucidity. He would gasp awake, his wounds burning and his heart aching as he recalled what occurred in the forest. He knew they were scrambling, the First Order attempting to regain its control in the galaxy. Everything had been crumbling when he finally lost consciousness the first time. The girl was gone. The StarKiller Base was gone. His father. Gone.

Completely aware of what he'd done to Han Solo was enough to tear him from any nightmare and into awakeness where the truth of the matter was worse than anything his tortured soul could come up with. He hadn't lied when he told him that he didn't know if he was strong enough to do what he had to in order to be free of the pain. Why did he have to turn the lightsaber on? Why couldn't he have floundered for just a moment longer? Why did Han Solo have to be there in the first place? When these thoughts begin to plague him, the pain became too much to bear and the darkness consumed him once more.

At some point Kylo woke up to find his mother standing at the window along the far wall of the room. Her back is towards him, one hand resting on the glass as she gazes out into the abyss. "Mother?" he questioned her, struggling to sit up. "How are you here? Have you been captured… Have _I_ been captured?"

She said nothing at first but then, slowly, she turned, her eyes devoid of all emotion except sadness. Sadness so intense it pierced right through Kylo's soul and brought tears to his eyes. "All is not forsaken, my son." It's all she said as she made her way towards the bed where he was struggling to hold himself upright.

Giving up because the pain in his arm was too much, Kylo fell back against his pillows roughly. Laying there he watched as Leia stops at the edge of the bed. Reaching toward her, he muttered through his tears, "I am sorry, mother." She says nothing, but her eyes bore down into his. Her hand did not tremble as it reached toward his own, but as soon as he made contact with her flesh, she disappeared, nothing but a figment of his imagination. A memory…

In reality, no one came to see Kylo Ren. No healers, no Storm Troopers, and certainly not his mother. Hux was also suspiciously absent from the vessel. He, of all people, would certainly want to come and gloat about Kylo's failures. He was always good for that, ready to stab him in the back at moments notice of weakness. Always wanting the Supreme Leader to see him in a better light than himself. It was frustrating, but that's just the way it was. Both of them vying for the same attention.

If he had been captured, certainly that _girl_ would have come to see him, demanding answers. Who was she anyway? There was more to her story than meets the eye. She was more than a scavenger from Jakku. More than a the girl who was able to use the force and beat him without any training at all. Kylo wondered all about this as he stood at the window where he'd imagined seeing his mother. The pain he currently felt was excruciating. He knew he should still be in the bed resting, but she was out there. Somewhere. She was out there and he was going to find her.

Sliding his hand down the glass, Kylo realized they were stationary. Sitting and waiting for orders, most likely. There was much to be done and yet he couldn't find the strength in himself right now. Damn the girl and her ability to best him. Damn her for being the one to procure the lightsaber that should have belonged to him. How was she more worthy of it than he? He had trained with the Supreme Leader!

He made no sound as his legs gave way underneath him, sending him crumpling to the floor. He laid there for some time, his wounds more agonizing than ever before. He needed to know more about this girl. He needed to find her and make her pay for what she'd done to him. All of his thoughts were addled by the pain, he knew, but that didn't stop him from letting them consume him. In the darkness of the room, he allowed the madness in if only to keep him from succumbing to the pain.

Unable to return to the bed, he curled himself into a ball on the floor and tried to rest, but sleep would not come. Before long, a tinge of madness set in and the darkness began to play tricks on his mind. The girl haunted him still, but it was nothing compared to this. The shadows seemed to come alive, twisting and twirling into shapes from the past. He saw his parents, and Luke, and Chewie… He saw what was and what could have been… He saw what might still be...

Unable to handle it any longer, Kylo managed to drag himself to the bed, pulling his weakened body back onto it's surface. Curling himself into a ball, he allowed the sleep to take him finally. The rest was not that at all. He tossed and turned, a fever breaking out over his pale skin. Again he dreamt of the girl, the way she looked at him as their lightsabers clashed. Her words echo in his head. _You're a monster. You're a monster. Monster. Monster. Monster._ He knew that she was right.

With a strangled cry, he tears himself from his dreams again. With no idea what to do with himself, Kylo briefly found himself with energy enough to make his way into the bathroom. Above the sink there he found a mirror and after fighting with himself for an obscene amount of time, he lifted his head to have a look. What he found really was a monster. A monster with a vivid red scar down the right side of his face. He hung his head, unable to bear looking at himself any longer. His matted hair helped to shield his view.

Anger bubbled up within him, igniting a fire he had worried was gone after his humiliating defeat. With a cry of frustration he swung at the mirror with his fist, shattering his reflection into a million pieces. He was bleeding again, but he didn't give a damn. As his energy began to wane, he made his way back to bed where he fell into a bloody heap upon the covers. Still, the memory of his reflection lingered, that scar reminiscent to the one which he knew his grandfather had worn.

Darth Vader.

He'd gone on this path of darkness for him. To honor his memory, so to speak. Luke had told him of what he'd wanted and so he'd gone on to find the darkness within. But now that darkness consumed him and he was tormented by it all. Tormented by the fact that he still felt the pull to the light. Even after what he'd done to Han Solo...his father… His soul still held onto hope.

Hope.

What a hateful word, indeed. It made him think of that girl again. She had hope. She'd had hope that _his_ father would want to take her under his wing. Now that would never come to pass. He was dead and she was somewhere in the galaxy, probably planning his demise. She had the map, he remembered. Yes. She was probably on her way to Luke right this very moment. She would bring him back. The thought terrified him and as exhaustion suddenly overcame him, he allowed thoughts of the girl to ease him into slumber.

It's not long before his wicked dreams turned to that of something more. The girl's face floated behind his eyelids, and he realized how captivating she was. She was a mystery, enticing him to figure her out. Piece by piece. His visions felt so real. He reached out and touched her face, something he'd wanted to do when trying to probe her mind for information about the map. Her skin felt soft. Her eyes fluttering closed as his thumb brushed across her cheek.

He's reminded of her feisty personality. Her will to fight back. He chose to forget how she was able to force him from her mind, instead focusing on the contours of her face, her neck, the rest of her body. Exotic in her own way, the girl from Jakku with the sad eyes and the fire in her heart. He wants her, more than he should. He wants all of her, his body aching in a way it never had before. He knew it was wrong to want her, to want to feel her body close to his, but it couldn't be helped. He needed to know.

Half awake now, Kylo touched himself, his hand sliding down his naked chest to slip below the waistband of his undergarments. He's hard and as his long fingers wrapped around his length, he groaned. Arching his back, he begins to stroke himself while imagining what it would be like to kiss this mystery girl. He wants to know what it would be like to trail his lips down her slim neck, nibbling at her throat. Would she whimper and beg for more?

His eyes are squeezed shut as he pictured what it would be like to feel her naked body writhing against his own. He gasped as he stroked his thumb over the tip of his cock, imagining her mouth there instead. Would she graze her teeth over the velvety surface or would she use her tongue? He decided it didn't matter because before too long, he would bind her wrists to the top of the bed. As he pictured this, Kylo rolled over so that he could use the bed to help him intensify the experience.

Panting, he fucked his hand and the bed, the girl's naked form underneath him. It's her who he is fucking now, pounding into her so hard that her wrists begin to chafe in their bindings and she cries out in both pain and ecstasy. Or was that him? He didn't know. He fucked her senseless. He fucked himself senseless. Memories and hallucinations meld together until he had no idea what was real or fantasy. She cried out, her core pulsating around his cock as his soul sang with want of his own. Gasping, he came apart, his orgasm so strong that his breath is lost and stars explode behind his closed eyelids.

When it's finished, his head is clear and he finds himself panting and covered in sweat. The bed was in disarray, but he felt better than he had in days. Weeks? He didn't know. Something was happening. Something has changed, but had no idea what. It felt as if the force had evolved in him somehow, his soul realigning. Rolling onto his back, Kylo stared almost blindly at the ceiling as he realized what he just did. Only, no remorse is felt. Somehow, he felt stronger now.

Unfortunately, he did not get to ponder on this new feeling for long for there was a knock at the door and then Hux enters, glowering at him in post coital state. They merely stared at one another for a long moment, Hux clearly aware of what he'd just walked in on if the look of disgust on his face is any indication. Finally, Hux cleared his throat and informed him of his purpose for finally gracing Kylo with his presence after who knows how long in this isolation.

"The Supreme Leader has declared that you've had sufficient time to heal. He requests your presence immediately." Sneering down at where he was still sprawled on the bed, Hux gave him one final, narrow-eyed glance before he turned and exited the room.

Laying there, Kylo tried to force himself to sit upright. He knew that he must not keep the Supreme Leader waiting, but he had no desire to go to him. He wanted other things now. He wanted... _her_. The girl. The thought of her filled him with renewed strength, and a purpose. It was almost as if his soul had realigned. Surging from the bed, he looked for his clothing and quickly redressed. Ready for what the future held, he moved to the door. On a table sat his helmet...his mask...and he simply stared at it for a long moment before deciding he no longer needed it and exiting the room. He may have lost his heart to the past, but his new soul would stay with him, carrying him on towards a future filled with light.


End file.
